


Private School Fight Club Trauma Support Group

by celastris



Category: Shoujo Kakumei Utena | Revolutionary Girl Utena
Genre: F/F, F/M, Group chat, anthy is a psych major, chat fic, if you read this ill give you my kidney and my first born child, im funny i swear, juri leaves no survivors when it comes to roasting, only rated teen for a bunch of swearing nothin else, saionji watches 90 day fiance, some parts might seem a little ooc if your third eye isnt open
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-24
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:21:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27694066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/celastris/pseuds/celastris
Summary: Kozue starts a group chat. Clownery ensues.
Relationships: Himemiya Anthy/Tenjou Utena, Saionji Kyouichi/Shinohara Wakaba
Comments: 10
Kudos: 33





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hi! so there's literally never content like this for rgu so i took it upon myself to make some! this fits in to the same universe as all of my other utena fics, which all interlock and connect, set 6 years after the ohtori shit show in the city as a bunch of them moved away and started lives and stuff. 
> 
> idk it makes more sense if you read my other stuff dont think too hard about it, just enjoy my Peak Comedy here

**[Kozue Kaoru added Juri Arisugawa, Anthy Himemiya, Miki Kaoru, Nanami Kiryuu, Saionji Kyouichi, Wakaba Shinohara, and Utena Tenjou to the chat]**

**[Kozue Kaoru changed Kozue Kaoru’s name to: gods failed abortion]**

**[gods failed abortion changed Juri Arisugawa’s name to: Straight Woman’s Whore]**

**[gods failed abortion changed Anthy Himemiya’s name to: bully saionji 2020]**

**[gods failed abortion changed Miki Kaoru’s name to: sunlit garden emo hours]**

**[gods failed abortion changed Nanami Kiryuu’s name to: C O W A S S]**

**[gods failed abortion changed Saionji Kyouichi’s name to: lettuce head emo bitch]**

**[gods failed abortion changed Wakaba Shinohara’s name to: utena’s girlfriend]**

**[gods failed abortion changed Utena Tenjou’s name to: lebron james]**

**[gods failed abortion]** alright motherfuckers, welcome to the circus

 **[lebron james]** Why. Why would you ever do this

 **[bully saionji 2020]** hello everyone!

 **[bully saionji 2020]** also, i appreciate the name you gave me kozue! thank you :)

 **[gods failed abortion]** what can i say, my galaxy brain is just that fucking massive

 **[secret garden emo hours]** Oh, hello everyone!

 **[sunlit garden emo hours]** Wait a minute, Kozue why are you using your phone in the  
middle of your therapy session??

 **[gods failed abortion]** my what

 **[sunlit garden emo hours]** YOUR APPOINTMENT TODAY??

 **[gods failed abortion]** oh yeah-- i rescheduled that.

 **[sunlit garden emo hours]** Until when??

 **[gods failed abortion]** indefinitely, but ANYWAYS

 **[sunlit garden emo hours]** Kozue all you do is stress me out, and I hope you know this.

 **[gods failed abortion]** shut up wench i’m too sexy for therapy 

**[gods failed abortion]** also tf is everyone else, get your asses in here 

**[lettuce head emo bitch]** Can you shut up kozue, i’m trying to watch 90 day fiance on my phone and you keep spamming my ass and you KNOW this is an ANGELA AND MICHAEL CENTRIC EPISODE.

 **[lettuce head emo bitch]** Oh wait. This is a group chat. Who thought it was a good idea to make a group chat

 **[lettuce head emo bitch]** Ignore my first text

 **[lebron james]** You watch 90 day fiance?

 **[lettuce head emo bitch]** It isn’t what you think, it’s Wakaba’s fault, she got me into it

 **[utena’s girlfriend]** no i didn’t

 **[lebron james]** Hi wakaba!

 **[bully saionji 2020]** yes wakaba, drag his ass :)

 **[bully saionji 2020]** tell them how he drinks his soda next :))

 **[utena’s girlfriend]** how he what?

 **[lettuce head emo bitch]** IT’S NOTHING DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT

 **[lebron james]** Wait no please tell us Anthy I want to know

 **[C O W A S S]** Now what the sweet fuck have you heathens included me in this time.

 **[lettuce head emo bitch]** Wow I never thought I’d actually be happy to see you but HI NANAMI HOW WAS YOUR DAY, PLEASE ELABORATE IN DETAIL :)

 **[C O W A S S]** Well, since you asked so nicely, I woke up this morning to go for a run, and then I stopped at Starbucks before I went to class, which was extremely boring, and then there was a designer sample sale I went to, I think I have some pictures of the dresses let me check, they were quite expensive ;)

 **[C O W A S S]** Not that I couldn’t afford it, I pride myself on a luxurious wardrobe, whatever the cost ;)))

 **[Straight Woman’s Whore]** Don’t bother Nanami, we don’t give a shit

 **[gods failed abortion]** agreed

 **[lebron james]** yeah

 **[bully saionji 2020]** if i cared any less, i would be dead.

 **[sunlit garden emo hours]** You guys are being mean, what if I want to hear what she has to say?

 **[Straight Woman’s Whore]** No you don’t, Miki. 

**[sunlit garden emo hours]** :( 

**[utena’s girlfriend]** i plead the fifth

 **[C O W A S S]** I hate all of you so much. 

**[gods failed abortion]** right back at ya bitch

 **[sunlit garden emo hours]** Guys, maybe we should be a little nicer to each other :( 

**[Straight Woman’s Whore]** Saionji intentionally leaves his soda out to go flat and disgustingly lukewarm before he drinks it.

 **[lebron james]** I’M SORRY HE FUCKING WHAT

 **[bully saionji 2020]** yes ❤️

 **[gods failed abortion]** jesus christ there’s no fuckin mercy in this chili’s tonight

 **[utena’s girlfriend]** sorry saionji we’re over

 **[utena’s girlfriend]** utena’s my girlfriend now cuz she drinks soda like a normal person

 **[lebron james]** I must sadly inform you that, like I tell you every 5 minutes, I do in fact have a girlfriend already and must decline your offer

 **[bully saionji 2020]** no, she can have you, making her stay with a flat soda drinker probably violates the geneva convention in some manner

 **[bully saionji 2020]** it is a sacrifice i am willing to make

 **[utena’s girlfriend]** thank you anthy, i shall remember your heroic actions on this day for millenia to come 

**[lebron james]** Anthy no

 **[lettuce head emo bitch]** The degree to which I hate you all is indescribable

 **[Straight Woman’s Whore]** Maybe if you didn’t do these things, we wouldn’t bully you.

 **[sunlit garden emo hours]** Can we all please be a little nicer to each other :((((

 **[C O W A S S]** No Miki, that’s not fun.

 **[C O W A S S]** Anthy, your glasses look stupid, your dark circles are horrible, you dress like a 60 year old woman, and your voice is annoying.

 **[C O W A S S]** And you’re a psych major? That’s so fucking lame.

 **[lebron james]** HEY. CUT THAT SHIT OUT.

 **[bully saionji 2020]** at least i still have my Westermarck Complex intact. 

**[C O W A S S]** What the fuck is that, nerd. 

**[bully saionji 2020]** google is free, nanami.

 **[utena’s girlfriend]** no nanami don’t google it please

 **[bully saionji 2020]** :)

 **[C O W A S S]** THAT IS A LOW BLOW, HIMEMIYA.

 **[lebron james]** That’s kind of on you though, she’s a psych major so

 **[bully saionji 2020]** i am a psych major :)

 **[gods failed abortion]** do you think god stays in heaven because he too lives in fear of what he’s created

 **[Straight Woman’s Whore]** Why am I friends with any of you

 **[sunlit garden emo hours]** Because you love us?

 **[Straight Woman’s Whore]** Why am I friends with you in particular

 **[sunlit garden emo hours]** Ouch.

 **[gods failed abortion]** how’s 90 day fiance goin saionji did michael get approved for his K-1 visa yet

 **[lettuce head emo bitch]** I am NOT watching 90 day fiancé

 **[lettuce head emo bitch]** But if I were, theoretically, no he hasn’t and between that and their issues having the baby I’m getting emotional, they are my favorite couple and they deserve so MUCH

 **[lettuce head emo bitch]** Is what I would say theoretically if I were to be watching 90 day fiance, which I am not 

**[utena’s girlfriend]** ok whatever you say sweaty

 **[sunlit garden emo hours]** Anyways! Everyone except Nanami, how is your day going?

 **[sunlit garden emo hours]** Only because you already talked about yours Nanami, not because I’m not including you!

 **[C O W A S S]** Shut up, loser.

 **[utena’s girlfriend]** not much with me, just the usual stuff, student teaching elementary schoolers is unpleasant at times but what can ya do

**[Straight Woman’s Whore]** I finished a job, and got a decent payout for it. 

**[gods failed abortion]** that’s mad ominous, the fuck you mean 

**[Straight Woman’s Whore]** Mind your own business.

 **[gods failed abortion]** ok thats mad sus but whatever

 **[sunlit garden emo hours]** I spent most of the day practicing for a piano evaluation this week, I’m working on this really complicated piece, but besides that not much!

 **[gods failed abortion]** thats a lie the only song you know is the sunlit garden and i refuse to believe otherwise

 **[sunlit garden emo hours]** Hey! I’m literally majoring in the freaking piano!! >:(

 **[bully saionji 2020]** i also did not do much today other than studying, and attending one developmental psychology lecture, before i went to the library for my shift there

 **[lebron james]** Saionji and i had an interesting day at the gym, why don’t you tell them about it 

**[lettuce head emo bitch]** Utena’s putting it very optimistically, we had to call the cops on some crazy guy who started a fight with some other dude and hit him with a barbell. Luckily everyone was fine, but it was not pleasant. 

**[lettuce head emo bitch]** To be fair, Utena was the one who actually went and called the cops, I was just trying to break up the fight. Which I sort of did I guess

 **[lebron james]** He got punched in the face and he has a nasty bruise on his cheek, and I probably would have gotten fucked up too if I’d tried to break it up, shit was CRAZY.

 **[utena’s girlfriend]** oh no are you okay???

 **[bully saionji 2020]** that is unfortunate saionji, but i am built different. i simply just would not get hit.

**[gods failed abortion]** she do be havin a point doe 👀👀

 **[lettuce head emo bitch]** I hate it here. I hate it here so much. Every day I am suffering

 **[Straight Woman’s Whore]** Then suffer.

 **[utena’s girlfriend]** on that cheery note, i think i have to go now!! there’s a professional development meeting in a little so i’ll have to put my phone away

 **[Straight Woman’s Whore]** Yeah agreed, I have some things I have to attend to, so goodbye losers. 

**[sunlit garden emo hours]** I should probably go practice, LOL! So bye! :)

 **[bully saionji 2020]** goodbye everyone! have a wonderful day, except for saionji!

 **[C O W A S S]** Later peasants. Also get fucked Saionji hahahahahaha

 **[bully saionji 2020]** okay because i am so kind and merciful, and because i do not enjoy making nanami the slightest bit happy in any way shape or form, saionji you may have a moderately okay day

 **[lettuce head emo bitch]** Wow, I’m honored

 **[C O W A S S]** Okay, screw you all then. Bye bitches.

 **[bully saionji 2020]** :)

 **[lebron james]** Okay, bye y’all!

 **[gods failed abortion]** peace out motherfuckers 

**gods failed abortion changed the chat name to: private school fight club trauma support group**


	2. utena chatfic 2 electric boogaloo: holiday edition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The holidays are coming up. Wakaba extends a generous invitation. What else is there to say I felt like making another feral chatfic and I did hmngh enjoy!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as i probably said b4 this is set in my future au so if youre vibin with it by all MEANS read my bazillion other fics ive written in it. i will marry u. ill do it i swear ill give u my firstborn if you read some of em oop--
> 
> also the spacing is different for some reason here but i’m done fighting with this hell site

Private School Fight Club Support Group  
(here’s a refresher on the stupid screen names kozue forced on them all in the last chapter)

[Kozue Kaoru: gods failed abortion]  
[Juri Arisugawa: Straight Woman’s Whore]  
Anthy Himemiya: bully saionji 2020]  
[Miki Kaoru: sunlit garden emo hours]  
[Nanami Kiryuu: C O W A S S]  
[Saionji Kyouichi: lettuce head emo bitch]  
[Wakaba Shinohara: utena’s girlfriend]  
[Utena Tenjou: lebron james]

**[utena’s girlfriend]** hey guys! so the holidays are coming up and i know a lot of us are going to have breaks from work/university that line up, (please don’t make me regret offering this), 

**[utena’s girlfriend]** but i know a lot of you all don’t really have a place to go for the holidays, so my parents and i wanted to extend an invite, to come have dinner with us and stuff! i know that utena and anthy are coming already, but everyone else is welcome!!

**[lettuce head emo bitch]** I would love to! I’m kind of terrified of your parents though. 

**[lettuce head emo bitch]** Specifically your dad. That man is going to kill me in my sleep and your stepdad isn’t going to stop him.

**[sunlit garden emo hours]** Oh dear…

**[utena’s girlfriend]** im sure that wont happen haha

**[bully saionji 2020]** wakaba i am not coming unless that happens

**[bully saionji 2020]** i would like to see some violence

**[lebron james]** No Anthy, we’re still going regardless of whether or not Saionji is ritualistically sacrificed

**[bully saionji 2020]** well darn. that is unfortunate

**[gods failed abortion]** hell yea wakaba i wud love to gorge myself on cranberry sauce until it fucking kills me 

**[utena’s girlfriend]** neat! nanami? miki? juri? wjat about you all?

**[utena’s girlfriend]** *what

**[C O W A S S]** Well normally I wouldn’t grace you all with my presence so benevolently, but it’s not like Touga’s going to be granted prison furlough over the holidays or anything…

**[C O W A S S]** So I begrudgingly accept. 

**[utena’s girlfriend]** awesome!! i cant wait to see you there!!!

**[C O W A S S]** Shut up pippi longstocking. Out here looking like the Wendy’s logo girl, loser.

**[utena’s girlfriend]** i am literally inviting you into my home you ungrateful cow

**[utena’s girlfriend]** but anyways!! :D juri?

**[Straight Woman’s Whore]** Sure

**[utena’s girlfriend]** oh wow juri, i honestly didnt expect a yes from you!! may i ask why?

**[Straight Woman’s Whore]** Well, Shiori and Ruka invited me over for the holidays, in what I assume is another pathetic attempt to get me in bed with them, and I would rather hurl my ass off a bridge than go anywhere near either of them and their shitshow of a marriage. 

**[lebron james]** Yeah that’s fair

**[god’s failed abortion]** when we joke about hating straight people, they make it not a joke anymore. 

**[sunlit garden emo hours]** Not to speak ill of anyone or anything!! But honestly, how aren’t they divorced yet?

**[bully saionji 2020]** yeah, especially with shiori being pregnant—they are 100% going to crash and burn miserably

**[bully saionji 2020]** it will be funny to watch

**[lebron james]** Wait Anthy, how do you know that????

**[bully saionji 2020]** i have my sources👁👄👁

**[Straight Woman’s Whore]** I mean I knew that too, but I definitely do not recall telling you.

**[Straight Woman’s Whore]** Sometimes you actually impress me, Himemiya.

**[bully saionji 2020]** i know :)

**[lebron james]** ANYWAYS—Miki, you coming? You could definitely stand to take a break from your mountain of work for a day or two

**[sunlit garden emo hours]** I mean I don’t know, I do have a lot of practicing I should probably be doing for my upcoming midterm recital…

**[gods failed abortion]** hes coming

**[sunlit garden emo hours]** Wait a minute!

**[gods failed abortion]** shut up twink, i’ll need a ride anyways and im gonna assume saionji will be there already trying to kiss-ass his way to surviving the weekend

**[lettuce head emo bitch]** And so what if I am? Is it a crime to have some basic sense of self preservation Kozue

**[sunlit garden emo hours]** SEE? WINNING OVER THE CONSTANT APPROVAL OF AUTHORITY FIGURES IS HARD, ISN’T IT, SAIONJI?

**[lettuce head emo bitch]** No, I may have been an asshole in high school but I was right about that one. It’s not hard and it’s not important and I stand by that

**[lettuce head emo bitch]** Maybe I shouldn’t have bullied you mercilessly about it but I was 100% correct and this is an EXCEPTION

**[sunlit garden emo hours]** That’s what we all say, and before you know it you end up curled up in a ball under your piano bench at 3 am hyperventilating about the A- you got on your last studio assignment as you retroactively hyperanalyze your professor’s tone of voice during your feedback session last week for any hints of disapproval or disappointment. 

**[lebron james]** Miki, are you okay?

**[sunlit garden emo hours]** Nobody talk to me.

**[utena’s girlfriend]** someone change the subject please haha

**[bully saionji 2020]** i was at work at the library yesterday and a teenager came up to me to ask for some synonyms for beautiful, 

**[bully saionji 2020]** weird thing to ask a librarian but i digress

**[bully saionji 2020]** and when i asked what for he told me it was for an entry in his exchange diary with his girlfriend and i swear i barely stopped myself from laughing hysterically right there. imagine being that cringe inducing. could not be me 

**[lettuce head emo bitch]** Do you think you’re funny

**[bully saionji 2020]** very much so yes

**[lebron james]** Yes

**[utena’s girlfriend]** yes

**[Straight Woman’s Whore]** Yes.

**[gods failed abortion]** yes

**[C O W A S S]** Yes

**[lettuce head emo ass]** Y’know what? Maybe I should’ve just stayed an asshole perpetually, huh? Just never have made an effort to get any better? Would that be fun for any of you?

**[bully saionji 2020]** you were beyond insufferable and i do not care how small i am i will physically assault you in public without mercy if i ever see the slightest hint of teenage saionji again. am i understood

**[Straight Woman’s Whore]** I second that, if I EVER have to deal with high school Saionji again, people will watch your bloated corpse being dragged out of a river on the morning news. 

**[lettuce head emo ass]** Ok fine jesus christ—17 year old Saionji stays in the vault then

**[bully saionji 2020]** :)

**[gods failed abortion]** hell yeah retcon your emotional development cancel therapy

**[sunlit garden emo hours]** Do not cancel therapy!! Therapy is good!

**[sunlit garden emo hours]** Wait a minute KOZUE DID YOU SKIP ANOTHER APPOINTMENT?

**[gods failed abortion]** ;)

**[utena’s girlfriend]** aaaand on that note!! i suppose everyone is coming then, oh boy—you don’t have to bring anything, my parents go insane with the cooking so i promise youre good there, but all i ask is please be civil im begging you

**[lebron james]** Don’t worry wakaba, everyone is going to be nice and get along VERY well!

**[bully saionji 2020]** or else.

**[lebron james]** The threat was supposed to be implied but yeah what Anthy said. Or Else.

**[utena’s girlfriend]** and yes, kozue, ill make sure there’s cranberry sauce as long as you promise to not be insane

**[gods failed abortion]** FUCK YEAH YEEEEEAAAAAH

**[C O W A S S]** Am I the only one who has no idea why Kozue gets like this about cranberry sauce? That stuff is nasty and so is she.

**[gods failed abortion]** im right here >:(

**[sunlit garden emo hours]** I brought some convenient-store canned cranberry sauce back from when I did that classical showcase overseas in November a few years ago—as a joke mind you—because I thought it was terrible. However, Kozue did not think it was terrible and now I have created a monster.

**[gods failed abortion]** the amount of money ive dished out on international shipping to mass order shitty canned cranberry sauce from the states for like several novembers now is like,, Really Bad

**[gods failed abortion]** shits non perishable tho so not even god can stop me from my dragon hoard of sweet sweet berry sludge

**[C O W A S S]** Never say sweet berry sludge again

**[gods failed abortion]** make me ;)

**[bully saionji 2020]** keep your weird sexual tension to yourselves please

**[C O W A S S]** THERE IS NO SEXUAL TENSION BETWEEN THE TWO OF US HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF SUCH A THING

**[gods failed abortion]** you sure about that honeybun because last saturday in my apartment at 1 in the morning definitely said otherwise

**[lebron james]** Oh my god

**[lettuce head emo ass]** Kozue keep it in your pants in this public group chat

**[C O W A S S]** No seriously it’s not what you all think I swear NOTHING HAPPENED

**[utena’s girlfriend]** okay for both of your sakes and because i have a whole bunch of work to get through lets wrap up the planning!

**[utena’s girlfriend]** so everyone’s coming, ya?

**[lebron james]** Yep!

**[bully saionji 2020]** yes

**[lettuce head emo ass]** Sure am

**[gods failed abortion]** hell yea babieee

**[sunlit garden emo hours]** Yes!

**[sunlit garden emo hours]** Yes I am!

**[Straight Woman’s Whore]** Yes

**[utena’s girlfriend]** awesome!! i cant wait, this is gonna be so fun!! see you all then!!!

**[lebron james]** Me too! See ya then!

**[bully saionji 2020]** ^^

**[gods failed abortion]** mmnmmmmm cranmnberrie sauce……..

**[lettuce head emo ass]** Yep!

**[C O W A S S]** Don’t forget to send us your address.

**[sunlit garden emo hours]** See you then! :D

**[Straight Woman’s Whore]** Goodbye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as usual, read my other future au stuff if u want context or just a good timeeeee, and yeah feel free to comment any ideas or requests you have or anything!! thanks for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you liked it! if you think my silly and questionable interpretations of the characters is quirky and intriguing, read some of my other fics! and uhh if you liked this one, let me know in the comments or drop some kudos if you want!! thank you!


End file.
